Separation Practice:
This practice will help you to establish the separation needed to connect with your Child at those times when your Little Adult has taken over and no True Adult is anywhere in sight. It is similar to having a Child–Adult conversation but can be easier and more spontaneous. It’s also easier and more fun because you are simply observing and reporting on your Child’s experience with no expectations—like a journalist reporting the facts of a news story—and because your Child is free to just receive you.
Here’s what to do:
At times when you’re feeling stressed or uncomfortable, say out loud what you observe your Child feeling, thinking, and doing. You may also include describing any body sensations that you are experiencing—feelings, thoughts, actions, and body sensation. You have already strengthened this skill of objective observation by writing in your True Adult Log and identifying your Child’s feelings and thoughts in your Inner Alignment Charts.
Here’s an example from my own experience of using this technique:
I discovered this powerful technique at a time when my Little Adult had hijacked my behavior in way that was potentially not safe. I was driving my sports car through a canyon on a steep and winding road and enjoying the sensation of driving fast. Suddenly, I became aware of an uncomfortable feeling, and because I’ve trained myself to do so, I checked in with my Child. Without any pre-meditation, I heard myself speaking out loud, saying, “I’m noticing you are uncomfortable with your speed on this road. But you keep driving fast, even though you’re not comfortable.”
I continued to speak out loud: “Now I’m noticing you’re getting an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach and in your chest as well. You are still driving fast, even though it’s continuing to make you uncomfortable. In fact, you don’t even want to be driving fast, but I’m noticing you’re still driving fast. You’re not feeling comfortable, and you know now that you don’t want to drive fast, but you’re continuing to do it. Very interesting!”
By narrating these thoughts, feelings, actions, and body sensations, as if it were a news broadcast, I felt increasingly more aligned with my Child. Repeating the phrase, “I’m noticing”, automatically creates separateness, and thus a feeling for the Child that someone—a True Adult—is paying attention.
My narration had been going on for just a few minutes when I noticed that I was no longer driving fast but now beginning to slow down. I continued to narrate what I, as a True Adult, was observing about my Child: “I’m noticing that you just slowed down. Now you’re feeling much more relaxed, more comfortable in your body, and more comfortable driving.”
The anxiety I’d been feeling had faded, along with the tightness in my stomach. I was able to continue my drive, enjoying it even more, having listened to and addressed my Child’s feelings and behaviors.
It’s important to note that what happened came about not because I forced myself to slow down. Rather, I moved into being an observer, and so became separate from the experience. I did not try to control or stifle any of my Child’s feelings or actions. The simple act of observing and reporting was all that my Child needed to have alignment restored. If he was actually unsafe, then as a True Adult, I would step in and take charge in whatever way would be in his best interest. That is one of the jobs of a True Adult.
An excellent time to use True Adult Narration is at times when your Child is in coping mode. That’s because when a Child is in coping mode, they need the presence of a True Adult. Don’t wait to use it in a dangerous situation, but rather when a chocolate bar is tempting you away from your diet, or when your Little Adult is engaging in behaviors you might consider not in your Child’s best interest or not in alignment with your goals.
Simply bring in your narrator’s voice—the verbal presence of a True Adult—to acknowledge to your Child and then watch what happens. Like me and many others, you will likely experience a new space that shifts you, whether it’s your mood, thoughts, desires, or behavior. Then you naturally become more internally aligned and also in alignment with your outer experience in ways that support your Child’s best interests.
