This activity provides a list of powerful benefits; I recommend it most highly. The premise is that the two of you would like to deepen and strengthen your relationship, not only with each other, but with yourselves as well. The purpose is to hear your partner reflect what you say so that you experience being truly understood. In the following example, I will be guiding John and Susan in the activity. Imagine yourself and your partner having this opportunity to communicate in this new way.
Now, John and Susan, I will guide and teach you as you go. Who wants to share first?
“I do, if you don’t mind, John.”
John chuckles, “Sure, no problem. I’d love for you to go first.”
“Okay. The idea, Susan, is that you will share something with John that you want him to know about you. To begin with, I would recommend that you start off with a mildly upsetting issue. If you were playing baseball for the first time, and learning how to bat, it wouldn’t be helpful for your first pitch or first several pitches be thrown at 90 miles an hour.
Remember that John is on your team, and you want him to be able to get a good hit. So, as the two of you are just beginning to learn how to “play” this most important life “game,” throw each other pitches that are more likely to be successfully hit.
John jumps in right on my last word, “I am so relieved to hear you say that, Ron! I was already getting anxious that I’ll do it wrong, and Susan will have even more reason to blame me. But if she realizes that I’m actually on her team, maybe she’ll go easy on me. It’s kinda like asking me to learn how to do needle point. Susan should feel good that I want to learn it, and go easy on me.”
Susan chimes in, “You both make a good point. I can see how, without realizing it, I might have set John up – both of us really – to fail by getting into something really upsetting to me. We have to learn how to walk before we try to start running, don’t we?”
“I must say, well done, both of you. You each shared your important thoughts, which is exactly what you’ll be doing in this activity. You’ll discover that anything you share is important; your Children know what they’re doing. So, Susan, think of a mild upset you have that is not related to John. That way you’ll throw him a pitch that will be easier for him to successfully hit. After some practice, you can share something that is about a mild negative reaction that you have in response to something John said or did.
“Make it something that is clearly about you. It might even be something positive, for example, something that moves you, or that you enjoy, or that you are happy about. It might be something you’re proud of about yourself or someone else – anything you would like John to know about you. You might not even know what you’re going to say until you begin. You can even give yourself a moment to let it ‘bubble up.’
“So, Susan, begin by saying the following words, ‘What I’d like you to know about me is…’ For a couple of reasons, it’s best, when possible, to share in brief chunks. Not only will it be easier for John to reflect your words back to you, it will further your development as a True Adult by training you to become more clear and concise in your communication. But with experience, you’ll discover when more needs to be said. When you finish sharing your first thought, John will reflect back to you by repeating what he heard you say. Often, your partner repeating your exact words can be powerful. Other times, paraphrasing can have great impact. When you’re finished, Susan, let me know. I will give you another direction before John responds.”
“Okay, John. What I’d like you to know about me is that I love that you are here with me today.” Her eyes well up and her voice softens as she says, ‘It really means a lot to me.’ She looks at me, signaling that she’s completed her thought and is ready for my direction.
“Now, Susan, say to John, ‘I’m now ready for you to reflect back to me.
Susan nods, looks at John and says, “I’m now ready for you to reflect back to me.”
“Wow, Honey. I’m glad that you’re happy I came.”
“Now, Susan, you have a few ways to respond to John. You can say, ‘Yes, I feel that you got me’, or, ‘You’re getting me’, or, ‘Thank you for your effort.’ If you don’t feel that he fully gets you the way you want him to, then you add, ‘and what I want you to know about me is…’ and you express what hasn’t been reflected. You might do this ten times. No matter how many rounds you do, it’s great practice and always valuable. Something to keep in mind is that the one who is sharing is responsible for being “gotten.” And, it’s not always possible on either person’s part to accomplish being fully gotten. However, this activity is amazing practice. Okay, Susan. You can respond to John.”
“Great. John, thank you for your effort. I really mean that. And, what I want you to know about me is that I love that you are here with me today. It really means a lot to me. And, I’m now ready for you to reflect back to me.”
“Okay. Susan, you love that I am here with you today. It really means a lot to you. What do I say now, Ron?”
I respond, “Did I get you, Susan? Or, am I getting you?”
“Right. Did I get you, Susan?”
“You totally got me, John. That really felt good! Ron, I can’t believe how good it felt to hear John say my words back to me. I love this already. Now what?
“The two of you can decide in advance how much time you will each have. I would recommend 45 minutes each. It is amazing to experience how much healing and transformation can occur when you take the time. But, you might want to work up to that. It’s all up to you two. Even 5 minutes each will have great value for both of you.”
“I want John to go now. What do you want me to know about you, John?”
“My turn already? I was just starting to get the hang of this thing.” John pauses, appearing to be thinking.
“Okay. Susan, what I want you to know about me is that I’m pretty nervous about this therapy thing. Ron seems cool and all, but” he pauses, “I don’t know. It’s just a little weird for me. Now, what do I say?”
I respond, “Now I’m ready for you to reflect back to me.”
“Oh yeah. That’s right. Now I’m ready for you to reflect back to me.”
“John, I get that you’re nervous about being in therapy with me. And that, even though Ron seems cool, it’s still a little weird for you. Am I getting you?”
“Yeah.” He laughs as he look down. “You totally got me. What do I do now?”
I say to John, “What else do you want Susan to know about you?”
“Uhhh, even though I’m a little uncomfortable, I am glad you brought me here. I really do want things to be better with us.” After a pause, “Oh yeah. I’m now ready for you to reflect back to me.”
Susan’s face softens as she says tenderly, “You’re glad I brought you even though you’re a little uncomfortable because you want things to be better between us. Am I getting you, John?”
John responds right away, “You got me! I don’t mean to be the way I am that you don’t like. It’s just how I am. I’m not trying to upset you. Things just go the way they go.” He pauses. “Oh, now I’m ready for you to reflect back to me.”
Susan’s tone changes to subtly sarcastic. “You don’t mean to upset me. It just happens. Do I get you?”
“Well, maybe.”
I suggest to John, “If you’re not sure if Susan is getting you, you can thank her for her effort, and start again with, ‘What I want you to know about me is…’ Another option is to tell Susan what worked in her response, and then tell her what didn’t work, so she can reflect back to you again.”
“Okay, What I want you to know about me is that what worked were your words. What didn’t work was that I could tell you were getting mad at me like you always do.” John pauses.
I remind him, “I’m now ready for you to reflect back to me.”
“Oh, I forgot. I’m now ready for you to reflect back to me.”
“I said the right words but you could tell I was getting mad. Did I get you?”
“Yeah. And what I want you to know about me is that when you get mad at me, I can’t deal with it. I feel like a total screw-up who can’t do anything right. I’m ready for you to reflect back to me.”
“So, when I get mad at you, you feel like a total screw-up who can’t do anything right. Oh yeah. And you can’t deal with it. Am I getting you?”
“Yes. Why do you think I don’t tell you stuff?”
I step in, “Remember John, the structure I’m teaching you will support you if it gets challenging. So rather than ask Susan a question, like, ‘Why do you think I don’t tell you stuff?’, make a statement, like, ‘What I want you to know about me is….’ Do you get what I mean, John?”
John: “I think so. Let me try. What I want you to know about me is I don’t tell you things because it always seems to turn into a mess where you’re mad at me. And I hate that. I can’t deal with that. So I don’t share things with you. I’m ready for you to reflect that back to me.”
Susan: “So, you don’t want to share things with me if I always end up getting mad at you. Am I getting you?”
John: “Now, I think you’re getting me. And what I want you to know about me is that I do the best I can…” John slows down. “…and it’s probably good for me to be here so I can change. Now I’m ready for you to reflect back to me.”
Susan replies with a tone of disappointment, “Are you saying that you want to change for me rather than for yourself?”
“No. See? I can’t do this. She gets upset with me. She’s not even doing the structure!”
You’re right, John. And actually, you’re both doing great. You’re already communicating on a new, more effective level. It’s not surprising, with such painful material, that you would both hit some bumps in the road. When it gets challenging like this, you have a great opportunity to free yourselves from deeper blocks by continuing to do the activity. Keep going back to the structure; it will support you. This activity is powerful and with practice will continue to upgrade both of you.
John sounds defeated. “But I get upset and I want to leave. Like right now, I’m thinking maybe it was stupid for me to come here. It just doesn’t work.”
“I get it, John. You’re doing this activity with Susan when being here is already a big deal for you. Then, you’re sharing your feelings with Susan and it turns into something you hate, which would normally take you out of the conversation. You feel like you never do it right and that Susan doesn’t get you. Am I getting you, John?
“Wow. You just did the activity with me, and you didn’t say my words. But it still worked. You get me. What you said is exactly it.”
I interject, “Tell Susan. Start with ‘What I…”’
John jumps in. “I remember. Susan, what I want you to know about me is that I don’t like feeling stupid when I talk to you. And I really hate it when you get mad at me. I’m now ready for you to reflect that back to me.”
Susan reflects, “When you try to tell me what’s going on with you, I get upset and you feel stupid. And, you hate it when I get mad at you. Did I get you?”
John replies, “Yeah. Now you got me. I just don’t want it to be like that…”
I comment, “You’re both doing great. I just want to remind you, John, to stay with the structure even if it doesn’t seem necessary, at least until the two of you become more experienced with this.
John: “Oh. I didn’t realize…”
Ron: “I know. It’s all good.”
John: “What I want you to know about me is that I just don’t want it to be like that. And, I don’t know how to not have it go that way. That’s why I don’t tell you what’s going on with me very much. Now I’m ready for you to reflect back to me.”
Susan: “You do your best to tell me what’s going on with you and I always get mad at you. Now I get why you don’t share with me very much anymore. Am I getting you?”
John: “Yeah. If you didn’t always get mad, maybe I would tell you more. I’m ready for you to reflect back to me.”
Susan: “If I didn’t get mad at you, you would share more with me. Am I getting you?”
John: “You got me. So don’t get mad at me anymore and then I’ll tell you stuff. I know you don’t like it when I don’t. I’m now ready for you to reflect back to me.”
Susan: “You don’t want me to get mad at you anymore so you can share things with me. And, I get that you know that I want you to tell me what’s going on with you.”
John: “Absolutely! Now you get me.”
I say to John, “See how it feels for you to say, ‘Now I feel that you get me.’”
John: “Now I feel that you get me. Yeah. That’s it.”
Susan jumps in, “Wow, Ron. We just took a big step in clearing up this huge issue that has really screwed up our relationship. It doesn’t seem like it would work. But, strangely, it does. John just shared with me, and even though I started to get upset, he kept sharing and my upset went away. And, I got him. He…”
I interrupt Susan, “Beautiful. Continue sharing with John your important realizations.”
She rolls her eyes, “Right. What I want you to know about me, John, is that now I understand why you don’t share much with me. If I’m always getting upset with you when you do, why would you? I really loved doing this activity with you. Will you do it with me at home?”
John: “If you don’t get mad…”
I jump in, “Stay within the structure, John.”
John: “Oh. You’re right! That safer! Susan, what I hear you saying is that now you understand why I don’t share much with you. You get that if you’re always upset with me when I do, why would I? Oh, and that you really like doing this activity with me, and you want to do it at home.”
Susan smiles, “That was really awesome, John! But there’s one little adjustment. I said I love doing this activity with you. Now I’m ready for you to reflect back to me.”
John quickly says, “I said that!”
I step in, “This is another example of how the structure will support both of you. It doesn’t matter what you said or think you said. All that matters is that you reflect back what Susan said.”
“Okay. I guess you’re right. So, Susan, you said that you love doing this activity with me.”
With a big loving smile, Susan says, “That’s right, John. I love doing this with you. I’m so proud of you! I love you so much!
Smiling back, John replies, “I must say, I’m feeling pretty amazing myself right now.”
Susan: “Do you love me?”
John, “You bet! I do love you, Susan. Thank you for this!
I say, “Congratulations, you two! Very well done! I want to briefly go back to a few moments ago, John. If Susan gets mad at you, you can go right into the activity and say, ‘Susan, What I want you to know about me is that when I feel you getting mad at me, like right now, I don’t want to share with you. And, now I’m ready for you reflect back to me.’ If you’re already doing the activity, just say that in the activity.”
John: “That’s cool! I’m gonna do that for sure.”
I turn to Susan, “How is all this for you?”
Susan: “Great. I think I need that when I get mad. I don’t mean to get mad. It just happens. I think that if John told me that in the activity, and I said it back to him, it would work. What do you think, John?”
John: “I’m a little nervous about it, but I’m willing to give it a try.”
Susan: “I get you. You were willing to come here, which I know was not easy for you, and you were amazing. I’d love to do this at home with you, and if I do what I’m realizing that I do…get mad at you, or have “a tone”, you can just tell me what you want me to know about you. I think this could really help us clear up a lot of our problems, John.
John responds, “Well, as I said, I am a little nervous, but I’d like to try it out. We can always get Ron’s guidance if we hit a snag.”
I affirm, “That’s right, John. And it certainly makes a lot of sense that you’d feel a little nervous when you’ve been used to things going badly between you when you share. And now, you just created an experience where your new communication skills were successful. So, I just want to say that while it will take practice, you will both reap multiple benefits, individually as well as in your relationship. So if it feels challenging, just make sure you cut each other a lot of slack. And remember that moving through those challenges, as you both just did, makes the experience together all the more meaningful, healing and strengthening.”
Susan replies, “Thanks, Ron.”
John adds, “Yeah. Thanks, Ron. I was right about you. You are pretty cool.”
Addendum
Sometimes your partner will not be able to connect with your experience in the way you want them to even after several attempts. There are a number of reasons why this might be the case. If this is your experience, do your best to acknowledge your Child silently, while finding as much separateness as you can. From there, thank your partner for taking the time and putting forth the effort to get you. That will strengthen not only your inner structures, but also the foundation of your relationship with your partner. Additionally, you will be further healing and integrating your experience in between practicing the Partner Communication Activity.
Of course, there is a level of recognition that is required when you are sharing with your partner that you not use this activity to dump or make your partner wrong. Allow yourself to imagine being in your partner’s position, and whether it would be reasonable to be able to maintain the structure of this activity when hearing such expressions as, “I find you fat and ugly and totally undesirable to me.” Clearly that would be self defeating. If you feel unable to avoid such unworkable sharing, that’s okay. You just need to do more of your own work from the options in the book. Once you clear out more of your own wounds in that particular area, you’ll be ready to share with your partner in the structure of this activity.
Remember that for the two of you to be engaging together in this activity is a courageous journey that is forging a better quality of life for each of you and for your relationship forever! It is truly that powerful and valuable in making your lives more meaningful and fulfilling.
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